still here....

Hello again, after all this time! If indeed anyone ever checks in with this...! All my old compatriots seem to have signed off their blogs, which is poignant and i wish I knew how they all are these days. But, a good sign that things have moved on for them.

New Years Resolution is to try to trust that my body is GOOD and is DOING GREAT coping with any damage done in the past, trusting that it can HEAL! Rather than what i've been doing which is worrying about it - cos that never did ANYONE any good. And meditating, and yoga-ing, and being mindful cos now is all we really have. Lu

moving forward

Hi there

Well here we are in May and things are looking less bleak now that time has passed and sunny days have arrived. We are of course still missing and grieving for Maeve, but have at last got ourselves another pup and she is helping us to feel a lot more bright about the world. We were chuffed to bits to discover that she is related to Maeve, and so we have managed to keep some contact with her. That and the ornamental cherry tree we planted for her in our allotment.

So, once our new pup Cilla is fully innoculated, we can start getting out and about again and living a life we have missed so much since Christmas.

Hasta

Lu

Well hi again after such a long time. I recently got the all clear and the 'c' word from the nurse at the hospital, but 6 days later my beloved and so precious dog Maeve was hit by a car and killed outright. I am grieving in a big way, I miss her so much, she helped me get through treatment and gave me a reason to get myself up out of bed even on the darkest of days. She was the most amazing girl and I loved her so very much. I had her from being 10 weeks old and she was 10 years old and in great shape when she died. The driver didn't stop, we don't know what happened, she was almost dead when we found her on the road - at the most 30 seconds after seeing her safe, well and excited to be going for a walk with us in the car park. I had thought she was with my Dad, and it was not like her to go so far away from us, but I blame myself and could really kick hell out of myself for letting it happen.

So I am crying a lot, wishing the last week away, every morning wishing it was all a dream and that I will hear her tapping up the stairs to the bedroom and barging through the door wagging her tail. I am very sad and though I should be grateful for no longer having the disease I fought so hard to beat, I am finding it very hard to appreciate if that was the sacrifice I had to make.

Lu

Twice negative!

Just a quick blog from our holidays here in hottest Kefalonia - I rang up today to get my 9 month pcr results which are, as you've guessed from the title, negative! I was sitting in a beach-side restaurant, in the hot hot sun and a light breeze to hear that much-hoped-for word that makes every moment of treatment worthwhile. After so long living with the virus, around 23 years, I can now say that I am free of it. And that sets me free in all sorts of ways.
Wishing all well
Lu

Been a long time

Hi
This is the first time I've written in a long time, but I have been reading the blogs regularly and really like the feeling of staying connected to those I have met through treatment. I guess I have been spurred on to write my own again by a combination of the blog play going out and the fact that I have my 9 month post-treatment test in two weeks time. I'm trying to keep an open mind about my test - you know, I'm continuing to feel more and more like (I think) other people must, it's hard to imagine that I might still be +ve. Though of course that feels dangerous and I again find myself balancing on that optimistic but realistic tightrope.

I guess part of not writing for so long is that, well, I'm not sure what I CAN write that would be interesting to anyone. I will therefore try to keep this brief and at least a bit relevant! I seem to be over the side-effects now - with the hot feet ever present but I now have a permanent cold-water-bottle at the bottom of the bed which is just the best solution! Still have the odd liver-area stitchy-feeling, but it has definitely receded. I am hoping this is a good sign. Am gardening and allotmenting with vigour - I really discovered growing things last year, and this year it's so wonderful not to feel ill, shivery and cross after over-doing it! Nature was such a healing force for me last year, and it's just wonderful to have come to appreciate it so much.

So, I'll sign off and look forward to hearing the blog play on monday. It feels wonderful to be part of it, and I am very grateful to have been able to be part of such a supportive community. What a gift.
Lu

5 months post treatment...

... and feeling pretty good for it. Brain lots clearer, much more energy, sleeping better. Still got the hot feet at night which I'm managing with the aid of a cold water bottle. Also, getting sore hair again - used to get it on treatment the day after injection, and it's back, strangely. The sore knees persist. I wonder if I need to build the muscles in my legs up, as have realised since putting weight back on, am decidedly flabby around the legs. Lost a lot of my muscle tone (used to play netball and do trampolining every week so was pretty OK pre-treatment). So am planning on starting some sort of fitness class. Yeah, well, I'll let you know when I've actually been!!
My appetite has calmed down and I'm not quite so obsessed with food at the moment - tho of course still enjoying the enjoyment of being able to taste properly. Cakes not so much of a priority these days - I guess having reached my normal weight my body isn't trying to get me to pile in the calories any more. Still wouldn't say no to a nice coffee cake, tho!
Am not due for my next PCR test til June, two days before I go on holiday to Kefalonia for 2 weeks. So, do I ring and get my results or hold my breath til I get back? I imagine I won't be able to wait so can see myself running up a large mobile bill. Already thinking about it, as you can see. Anyway, I'm looking forward to a proper holiday with sun and sand, stuffed vegetables and greek salads - and reading lots. Am reading lots of work stuff at the moment, and some Jonathon Kellerman (which sort of counts as work I guess). It's lovely to be able to read again without my head and eyes going all weird.
Anyway, better go and get some tea, have a shower and get ready for another work week. It's great to be back in the world.
Lu

Where oh where have my llama lashes gone???

My daily mascara encounters tell me that those lovely long lashes are slowly but surely reverting back to the old spiders legs that preceded treatment. Damn, no residual side effects there then. Ah well, better to have loved and have lost, and they were good while they lasted! I will remember them fondly...

Am back at work full time(!) and finding it hard to fit everything I need to do in! Especially when my partner is away - and when I want to do things in the evenings. I'm glad to be back at work though, and similarly to Wendy, people keep telling me in amazed voices how well I look. I do think it may partly be to do with the fact that I have started to regularly wear some blush creme on my cheeks so I don't look quite as wintery as I normally would at this time of year! It makes a world of difference, and when I look a bit more healthy I feel better. I don't think that's the whole story, I have put on some weight (with the help of Green and Blacks Caramel chocolate -the most addictive substance on earth), and my hair is starting to get back to normal.

I've had a cold this past week, and my right ear still won't pop, but I'm reassured by this that my immune system is actually functioning on its own now. I hadn't had a cold for a very long time, and was starting to wonder if my body just didn't respond to the cold virus any more. However I'm glad to say I've definitely had one, and am already much better having had a 'tissue stuffed up nostril' time in bed with the tv on last night. Am left with a cough and also have a headache today but think that's to do with my neck more than anything. Ibuprofen works best but I don't think I'm supposed to take it. When I was on treatment the nurse told me that livers with hep c don't like it. Don't know what that means now though? Any ideas would be welcomed.

Still have the sore knees, and feel like an old woman when I crouch down - we wonder if the sore knees are anything to do with doing 46 of my 48 injections into my thighs, perhaps some sort of lymphatic something or other that I don't really understand. My sister is giving me weekly massages on a friday when I finish work, doing lymphatic drainage stuff and focussing on my legs. Such a nice end to the week but I must say I feel a bit ropey for it the next day.

Energy levels are good. Sleep still a bit erratic - awake at 3.30 am today but back to sleep quickly. Up early to walk the dog before work - it's still dark when I walk her at the moment, but this morning the birds were singing their hearts out and they made me think of spring coming. Those birds make me laugh, singing for all they're worth, really going for it. And the dog doing her bucking bronco impression with a stick in her mouth, just for the sheer enjoyment of it.

And tomorrow I'll do it all again, so signing off for now
Hope all are well
Lu